“You know son, as your father, it is incumbent upon me to warn you when you do things wrong and all that …”

“What do you mean?”

“Take your portable telephone gizmo that you have. I’ve read it is dangerous. A man at work the other day had one just like yours and he was watching something on the screen and fell off the ladder he did … Kept going up and did not realise he had run out of ladder …”

“Very funny, dad!”

“It’s true boy. Also these contraptions emit bad things like microphone waves or something. They’ll fry whatever little brain you got left. Like this thing you have always stuck to your ear.”

“Dad, I have Bluetooth!”

“There you are then. It started already. You must see a dentist before it gets worse.”

“Dad, it is called Bluetooth.”

“I don’t care what it’s called boy. We didn’t have it when we were young. Just the odd bit of tartar on our teeth, or a cavity every now and then. Not electro what’s it illnesses like now. Also they let off magnets these gadgets. Magnetism gets out of them on your fingers when you touch the screen. It’s even worse … the magnet thingies fly off the screen and into you. Pretty soon when you get in the kitchen all the metal utensils will stick to you.”

“Dad, you really don’t understand about technology. It doesn’t work like that. There are no little magnets and …”

“Don’t patronise me boy. I know more about technology than you’ll ever know. Those table mats things, like the one you have, are just as bad!”

“They are called tablets! Mine is an Apple.”

“An apple? When we were young that was a fruit, that was. You’ll be telling me you have a blackberry next. Your grand-mother, may she rest in peace, used to make lovely apple and blackberry pies, she did. I’ll tell you something else boy. There’s no mention of technology in the Bible. When God told Moses to come up the mountain He gave him the ten commandments on real tablets of stone, He did. Not plastic tablets. They were well carved by a top class sculptor, I shouldn’t wonder. God would have used the best of craftsmen to make His commandments; so they would last for ever. Mind you … that careless Moses broke the first set didn’t he, the clumsy oaf! But God had another set as a spare copy …”

“Made on a photocopier, no doubt!”

“Don’t be insulting, boy. Which reminds me … that stupid microphone oven you got your mom in the kitchen. It’s trash. It does not work. I put a few slices of bread the other day to make toast and they went round and round and were all soggy. Not toasty at all; like in the toaster.”

“You did what? It’s not meant to make toast. Why did you not use the toaster?”

“It was broke as well. The bread got stuck and I tried to get it out with a fork and got an electric shock! When we were young we used to make toast by holding the bread in front of the open fire.”

“Are you against all form of modern technology dad? Shall I take away the washing machine too?”

“You might as well … for all the good it’s done. The other day I put my red shirt amongst the washing your mom put in and everything turned pink. She was furious you know. She blamed me instead of the machine, and withdrew her favors for at least a week …”

“Poor dad …”

“Don’t mock me, boy. I know you’re not listening and I might as well be talking to myself. I’ll just go and watch the football on TV.”

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